Under Construction

I really wanted to do something fun with my blog so I found a great site called premades for a purpose.  It has great templets and the proceeds are helping them raise money for there adoption.  The problem is I have no idea what I am doing so I am waiting to hear back on how to change the photos....obviously the adorable little girl in the header isn't ours.  So bare with me while I transform my blog.

Game Over!

I have tried to write this update all night.  No words came.  Every time I tried to start writing a fresh set of tears came.  How did God get me sooo close and then have it come crashing down 11 DAYS before I started my cycle.  11!  I have had a countdown going when it was over 100 days and to get down to 11 and then oops sorry you can't do this!  So what happened....well the insurance coordinator for the clinic called and said they denied my claim because it was never coved by my insurance!  That made no sense to me since my nurse Jessica called the insurance company back in August and they said it was covered.  Then a few days later Nate called and they said it was covered.  Nate also called today and they said it was covered and my claim was still pending.  I called and they said no it wasn't covered and to check my handbook to see if it was an exclusion.  Nate went home and check the book and it did say ART (advanced reproductive technologies) were excluded.  I never thought to look at the book because we had double check the coverage with a real human.  I don't understand how we all can be told one thing and then opps sorry we just ripped you dream away.  Its not like they made a small mistake once they made a HUGE one a few times!!   Insurance doesn't care about customer service or even people. Its a bunch of bureaucrat  doctors that couldn't cut it as real doctors because they we incompetent.  So where does that leave me?? I have no idea.  I have become a little more desperate because the last 6 months I have envisioned myself pregnant and having a child.  I am looking into every monetary option I can so we can do the self pay option.  If we do the self pay I NEED to make sure I have the best chance possible.  That means I need to lose a minimum of 20lbs.  So I am hoping that we can figure out a way because I am not prepared to let this go.  I have come to close and worked to hard.  I am not prepared to accept adoption at this point.   Maybe later I will be ok with it again but not now.  I just can't understand in this moment how this could happen.  I am a good person, Nate is a great person.  We don't live off of the state,  we have a great place to have kids, we love each other and would love our children unconditionally.  We would do everything in our power to raise great kids. I just can't understand why ALOT of people that have kids don't deserve them.  How is this ok?  Why does this have to be so hard for me.  Something that is such a natural transition.  Every where I went today there were a ton of pregnant people some that deserve it like that great woman I worked with today and some that didn't (a woman who has a son around 4 that was walking around with a binky and a mountain dew complaining about her state assistance or the woman I worked with yesterday that had 5 kids that she doesn't have custody of and had no problem telling me that).  So that is where I am at right now...upset, sad, bitter and down right pissed!  I just hope a  months from now I can look back on today while very pregnant and say thank god it wasn't game over!

One Step Closer

The anesthesiologist finally called me today.  I explained the situation and he was so understanding.  He said what do I write and where do I fax it!!!  He had just put me under in September for my hysteroscopy so he knew I was fine with anesthesia.  I then faxed it to Jessica and she resubmitted it.  I am so hoping they will accept that!  So hopefully I will have good news soon!!!!!!!!!!

Wordless Wednesday: LIfe Love and the Pursuit of Happiness

FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I got a call today from Jessica my fertility nurse.  She said they denied my IVF claim because I am about 15lbs over there limit!  15!!!!  She said I would have to lose the weight before they could resubmit the claim or get an anesthesiologist consult.  If I do the consult I would have to pay for it out of pocket.  She said she would see what the cost would be and get back to me.  Well in true Emily style I couldn't sit back and wait.  I called the place where they do the consults for the clinic myself and explained the situation.  They told me there wouldn't be a charge.  I then called Jessica back and she was concerned they didn't understand that I wasn't having surgery there.  She then explained that it the 15 lb lose would help the implantation and I felt like she was leaning me towards waiting.  I told her I would lose it in time for the implantation but if I could get it approved while doing it was my goal.  If I don't get the consult I couldn't even start the prep until the weight lose which would be about a month.  So I called the clinic the does the consult back to make sure they understood what I wanted to do.  They said they would call me tomorrow.  

I know its only 15lbs and a month isn't a long time but I have been waiting for this for a looong time and a month longer is torture!  I am down right mad at myself for not sticking to my diet through the holidays!  If I had any idea this would have happened my motivation would have been wayyyy better.  My doctor just told me it would be better.  I also had planned on losing it before the implantation.  I was also helping out the Portland, ME store today so I really had to keep it together!  I am in a hotel for 5 days so I bought myself a cheap pair of sneakers to use the gym.  The pool is closed until tomorrow but I plan on doing cardio in the AM and the pool at night.  I don't know what is going to happen but if some reason I have to wait I can't waste another day.  It is hard right now because I am in a hotel for the next 5 days so eating out is my only option.  Tonight I had  grilled chicken and salsa from On the Boarder.  Tomorrow I work at a store that is next door to a Hannafords so I can eat a Kashi meal for lunch and get yogurt and fruits for snack.  So hopefully I will have good news tomorrow.  If I get the consult I would drive from Portland down to Statham NH and back before I work at 11 am on Thursday.  So right now it is what it is and I need to do everything I can to lose the weight.

New Years Eve at The Red Barn at Outlook Farm!

I completely forgot to post about New Years Eve!  It was such a great night!  The Red Barn in S. Berwick Maine was amazing!!! Our friend Jason's family owns it and what hospitality!  I can't even begin to explain the dinner!!! It was some of the best food I have ever had!  I cut my steak with a butter knife!  The salad was grilled romaine.  I have since dreamt about the food! It was a great way to bring in 2011!

I am so impatient!

So it is January 3rd.  This month is going bye at a snails pace!  I am trying not to let IVF consume me but its not going well.  I feel that thats all I can think about and talk about.  I spend hours on the internet reading blogs from other IVF'ers.  I feel that I need to have some control over this uncontrollable situation. I am glad to see I am not the only person that has there life taken over by IVF.  A lot of the blogs I have been reading seems to have a common theme....how to not think about it for 2 seconds. I had to call the clinic today to get some clarification on some things and they asked me if I am handling the wait ok.  Nope I replied.  They told me that it is very common and many woman feel the need to do one of two things.  The first obsess about every detail and plan as many things as humanly possible (obviously me).  The second is to not think about it at all for fear.  We need to cope the best way we can so they recommended planning for the bed rest and 2ww(2 week wait) period.  So I need to make a list of movies for the bed rest and plan some fun activities for the 2ww.  I need some suggestions for movies.  I really love comedy and of course good chick flicks.  As far as the 2ww I think a painting pottery trip is in order.  I find that it is really relaxing.  Any other suggestions would be great.

Anyway, yesterday was a great day.. I became a Godmother to my best friends son Mason.  It is such an honor.  I remember the day he was born.  I can't believe how fast they grow.  Her brother Alden was named Godfather.  He is decked out in his Army attire.  It was a very special day!