Guilt is a hard pill to swallow and it seems to be stuck in my throat!

This looks a little like Livy:)

 For the past month and a half I have been struggling with breastfeeding/pumping.  Not so much the breastfeeding but the pumping.  Actually I have hated pumping since day 1!  I have lasted this long because I know it's best for us and our situation.  However now that I am breastfeeding Aria I am suppose to pump 20 min after a breastfeeding session to get my supply back up.  Sounds great in theory but who am I kidding...I have twins!  I don't have time to use the restroom let alone pump 20 min after EVERY feeding session for 20 min!!!!  I have not pumped as much as I should and I know that my supply is low (low meaning I can't support both babies exclusively) because of it.  I have entertained the thought of just stopping everything all together but then I see all the articles and hype on how breastfeeding is best and I feel guilty and keep going.  It's even on the back of the formula containers for gosh sake!  I have put the "stop breastfeeding/pumping" pill down more than once instead of actually taking it.  It is such a love/hate relationship!  I loathe the time I ...well not waste but I could be doing a million other things....on pumping!.. I do LOVE breastfeeding but OMG it is super time consuming and Livy is not keen on being left to entertain herself while I feed Aria.  I had a meeting with the a therapist due to anxiety and we talked about breastfeeding.  I told her I want to stop but I can't.  She thought this was concerning because I would love to just stop but I would feel sooooo guilty and it doesn't help with all stuff everywhere I look about breast is best.  I know breast is best but how horrible is it for mothers that can't breastfeed to see all of that!  As if they don't feel like crap already!  Then there is me.....I see all that and feel guilty then I think I at least make milk so why am I trying to take the easy way when others would love to be able to have my milk supply.  Then add on our upcoming appointment in Boston tomorrow in which part of it will see if Liv can breastfeed.  I would LOVE to get both breastfeeding but lets be realistic unless I can tandem I am not sure if 45 minute feeding sessions per kid will work!  Nate says I should just stop all together and I agree with him ....until I see those horrible guilt ridden messages all over the place.   I feel I have now taken the pill and it is stuck in my throat to either swallow and keep it moving or throw it back up and keep it moving!  I hope I can figure out what the best thing it!

My 1st Official Mother's Day

I had a great Mother's Day!  It started on Saturday when Nate brought home a grill!  I LOVE grilling and when we moved her our old grill was to big so we sold it.  They Nate took the baby monitor and slept on the couch so I could sleep the whole night.  The next day he made me breakfast and we had a cookout with our friends Matt and Abby.  The boys presented us with our 1st Mother's day Extravaganza...which included a hotel room and a full night and day for us to do what we want!!!!!  I really excited about the pool and hot tub and another full night sleep!!!  So it was a great first Mother's Day!  To top it off we had an appointment with the ear, nose and throat doctor for Livy today and she is 11 lbs!!!!!  She is doing soooo well!   They want us to repeat the swallow study in July and if there is no change in her discoordinated swallow then they will put her under and see if she has a cleft larynx or something like that.  We are hoping we don't have to cross that bridge but only time will tell!  Here is a photo of me and the girls before their bedtime:)

A Mommy Milestone!

This past weekend I was one of the host to my friend Crystal's bridal shower and bachelorette party.  I did something that every mom has to do at some point and meets it with part excitement and part dread.....leaving the babies overnight!  Nate was heading to the bachelor party so my mom and step dad came up to watch the girls.  I really didn't want to leave them this early but I had no choice.  I missed them terribly but I really had a great time.  Although I didn't get any extra sleep.  Actually I think I got less.  It was nice to go out with friends and not worry about bottles and bedtimes.  I was really nervous about my parents watching them because there is so much that has t be done with the girls.  We have a scheduled,  Livy's medications, how to prepare Livy's food..ect...  I felt like I had to write a manual and after 3 pages I still forgot a bunch of stuff.    I really shouldn't have been worried everyone survived and the girls were happy when I came home and my parents were alive and not ready to run out the door.  They will be watching them again in a month and a half for the wedding.  I know they will all have fun and it will be nice to have a night away with Nate.
I did call a bunch of times and raced home to see my girls!  I really don't think I ever ever missed anyone/thing as much as I missed them.  When I got home I was greeted with big smiles that melted my heart!  As nice it was to get away and as bad as it can be when I am home all day with the girls by myself...there is no place I would rather be than with my beautiful girls!
Sunday after I got home we got ready for our friends 30th birthday and below are some pics from it..I am still really tired so this post is everywhere but pics make it better:)

Some of us and the bride to be!

 

 

 

My family:)

            

Aria and I