Thursday, May 17, 2012

Guilt is a hard pill to swallow and it seems to be stuck in my throat!

This looks a little like Livy:)

 For the past month and a half I have been struggling with breastfeeding/pumping.  Not so much the breastfeeding but the pumping.  Actually I have hated pumping since day 1!  I have lasted this long because I know it's best for us and our situation.  However now that I am breastfeeding Aria I am suppose to pump 20 min after a breastfeeding session to get my supply back up.  Sounds great in theory but who am I kidding...I have twins!  I don't have time to use the restroom let alone pump 20 min after EVERY feeding session for 20 min!!!!  I have not pumped as much as I should and I know that my supply is low (low meaning I can't support both babies exclusively) because of it.  I have entertained the thought of just stopping everything all together but then I see all the articles and hype on how breastfeeding is best and I feel guilty and keep going.  It's even on the back of the formula containers for gosh sake!  I have put the "stop breastfeeding/pumping" pill down more than once instead of actually taking it.  It is such a love/hate relationship!  I loathe the time I ...well not waste but I could be doing a million other things....on pumping!.. I do LOVE breastfeeding but OMG it is super time consuming and Livy is not keen on being left to entertain herself while I feed Aria.  I had a meeting with the a therapist due to anxiety and we talked about breastfeeding.  I told her I want to stop but I can't.  She thought this was concerning because I would love to just stop but I would feel sooooo guilty and it doesn't help with all stuff everywhere I look about breast is best.  I know breast is best but how horrible is it for mothers that can't breastfeed to see all of that!  As if they don't feel like crap already!  Then there is me.....I see all that and feel guilty then I think I at least make milk so why am I trying to take the easy way when others would love to be able to have my milk supply.  Then add on our upcoming appointment in Boston tomorrow in which part of it will see if Liv can breastfeed.  I would LOVE to get both breastfeeding but lets be realistic unless I can tandem I am not sure if 45 minute feeding sessions per kid will work!  Nate says I should just stop all together and I agree with him ....until I see those horrible guilt ridden messages all over the place.   I feel I have now taken the pill and it is stuck in my throat to either swallow and keep it moving or throw it back up and keep it moving!  I hope I can figure out what the best thing it!


  1. Breastfeeding is an amazing amount of work, isn't it? I can only imagine how much more stressful it is with twins - and even more so with a twin who struggles to eat...

    Two things for you to remember: Babies who grow up on formula are just fine. They are happy and healthy. They grow normally and are just as smart as babies who have only breast milk. An entire generation of Americans was raised on formula with no negative effects.

    Second: It is far better for your girls to have a happy, relaxed mom than it is for them to have breast milk.

    I suspect that you, like me, will feel like a giant weight has lifted off your shoulders when you eventually stop. You only get to enjoy your babies as babies for a little while, and if breastfeeding is detracting from that enjoyment, then you should stop. Spend more time snuggling and playing with them and less time pumping and nursing. Soon they will be eating solid foods and needing formula less, and by next Christmas you'll be shifting them to whole milk anyway.

    I say, let go of the guilt. If breastfeeding/pumping isn't working for your family, then stop. No one will judge you or see you as anything less than the amazing parent that you are. Enjoy your babies and don't let something like breastfeeding get in the way of your time with them.

  2. Thanks for the advice Sara! I think after Liv's appointment I hopefully will know what the best decision is.