Sleep! my old friend, how I have missed you!

                     




Last night went well for us.  Nate slept on the couch with the monitor and I was in bed by 9:30pm.  I ended up taking a Tylenol PM because I had such anxiety about Nate being the sole caregiver through the night.  I did wake up every time they cried because at this point I think my body is on autopilot.  Aria woke up at 11:30 and then Liv woke up around 1:30.  I woke up around 5:30 with evidence that I hadn't feed the Aria or pumped for Liv so I  had to remedy that unpleasant experience.  As I was pumping I realized I hadn't heard Liv around 3am Like I usually do and wondered if I slept through it.  I went back to sleep until around 6:45 when both girls woke up hungry.  Nate came in with them so we could tag team the feeding and I knew I was up for the day.  He said Liv slept for almost 5.5 hours!!  Pardon my language but what the hell!!!! Why would she sleep for him and not me!!!!  He said it was because he feed her more at 1:30.  trust me I have tried that and she usually never eats more that 2.5 oz.  Last night she did and slept longer.  I will try that tonight but I am not convinced....trust me I own every sleep book and have tried everything!  So apparently they just like to sleep for Nate.  We will see how tonight goes.
Anyway, I woke up this morning thinking I still want to sleep.  I didn't wake up with that refreashed feel I thought I would have.  I will admit I was really disappointed.  I slept 8 hours with 5 being a straight stretch.  I haven't done that in forever.  So I got up with the girls around 7am  although for Nate to get the full experience he should have gotten up with them and started his day.  Maybe another day.  Anyway, I got the girls dressed and made coffee.  The next thing I knew I had 2 loads of laundry almost done and I made some homemade fabric softner without even dragging.  Maybe my body appreciated the sleep more than I thought!  We will have to see how the rest of the day goes.   Now I need to pack up and get the girls ready for a Chili cook off at PSU! 

Still not the size of our Thanksgiving turkey but i'll take it!

Today we headed down to Boston for Liv's appointment.  It went very well.  She has finally hit the double didgets!!! She is 10lbs 2oz!!!!  We are so excited she has been doing better!  We defiantly know now she has severe silent reflux and the 2 medications she has been taking are working!  We are so thankful for that.  Now we just need to get the crankiness  under control.  They were very good today I must say.  They always seem to be good when we go to Boston.  Also in the hall of that giant hospital we ran into the lactation consultant that got Aria breastfeeding!  It got me thinking about Liv and wondering if we could get her breast feeding as well.  It would make my life so much easier to not have to pump during the day!  Right now I feed Aria and then I have to pump 20 min later.  So I have to figure out that schedule and get Livy fed in there as well.  It is a lot and at time has added to my stress.  If I can tandem feed them I could get the feeding done in 20 min and then not have to worry about pumping! That would be amazing.  I talked to the feeding team and the GI doctor about it and they are all in agreement as long as it is safe for her.  The complication could be the aspiration but when a baby feeds from a bottle they can't control the speed which is Liv's issue.  If she is breastfeeding then she controls the speed and flow.  So our next appointment we are going to try it and they even are going to get Carol the lactation consultant that helped me with Aria to help us with Liv!  I am really hoping this will work.  Anyway, Nate has noticed that I am really tired and under a lot of stress so tonight he is going to sleep on the couch with the baby monitor and try to take the night shift.  I am worried about his zombie like persona at 3am but I have a feeling he will game most of the night.  So I am really hoping to get some good sleep in but I am worried.  I will be able to hear the babies if they cry to long so if Nate sleeps through the crying I am sure I will wake up and take over.  Well hopefully heres to a good night sleep!

A great support system makes all the difference!

I would like to thank everyone that in some way send me a note or email or just some words of encouragement after yesterdays post.  It meant a lot!  I was in a bad space yesterday when I blogged and a couple times considered deleting the post. Liv had cried most of the night and all morning for no reason I could help.  If you have been around her I am sure you know she can SCREAM! The worst is in the car!!!  I do feel it was good to finally be honest with my self and everyone that this isn't all rainbows and butterfly's even though I thought it should be in a way.  After the post yesterday the girls must have sensed my frustration especially Liv because they were great for the rest of the day.  I think once they can communicate better and I can respond it might get better and the level of frustration I hope goes down.  Aria slept 7 straight hours last night so she seems to be getting in a good night sleep routine.  Now I just need Liv to get there and I think half the battle will be won.  So today we are heading back to Boston for the Growth and Nutrition Program.  Hopefully it will be a great learning experience and we get a lot accomplished:)

When will the screaming end!

I guess I haven't been completely and fully honest here.  One of the main reasons is I didn't want to offend anyone or upset anyone.  I know if I read the post I am about to write over a year ago I would think at least you have your babies!  One of the main reasons for blogging is to keep a record of everything.  I at times spend a bit reading back and seeing how far we have come!  So if you are still struggling with infertility you may want to skip this post:)
Let me first make one thing very clear...I LOVE and adore my girls and I am very thankful for them, but this has been the hardest 4.5 months EVER!  Along with Liv's feeding issues we have dealt with colic and sleep issues.  I haven't slept more than a couple of hours for a long time.  Last night was a perfect example... Liv woke up at 3am and screamed until 4am.  Many people said my girls were not that bad and cried and acted like regular babies.  Now they are singing a different tune.  Aria is getting better but can still send me spinning when she is upset.  Most of the time she will be upset the whole day and nothing appeases her.  Liv is a whole other story.  That child is sooooo stubborn and I think she feels that screaming all the time is hobby.  I knew twins would be hard but this is nothing I expected!  Everyone would tell me stories of their kids sleeping through the night or at least a good chunk by 12 weeks and most even sooner.  Or stories of colic going away at 3 months.  NONE of that has happened!!!  Sometimes it has gotten worse!  I am also so tired I see things.  They only nap between 20 and 30 min at a time so napping during the day isn't an option.  I use to think I would be so sad when my babies got out of the baby stage and part of me will be said, but a bigger part will be so relieved.  I hate feeling like I can't enjoy them because they can't enjoy life.  There are moments when both girls are calm and exploring life and I hang on to those moments because they don't happen often.  I struggle to entertain both of them and meet all their needs in a timely manner which really sets them off.  I look forward to the weekend when Nate is home and I have some help!  I am actually going to see a postpartum nurse on Monday because on top off the no sleep and a ton of stress my anxiety is really becoming a bit of an issue.  I feel so ashamed and upset that I am not handling things as well as I think I should!  And if one more person says I asked for this I am going to lose it!!!  I did ask to be a mother and I worked hard to get here but that doesn't mean I asked for all of the issues we are dealing with and it also doesn't mean I can't vent like any other mom!  Being infertile and they becoming a mom is super hard because when you are having a hard time you feel like you can't vent because people will judge you.  I feel like I should love every second and be grateful for whatever situation I have.  I am very blessed and grateful for my girls but there are days I don't know if I will make it.  Then I think I got everything I wanted and feel horrible that I am crying because the girls are freaking out and I am tired.  Sorry this post is crazy and negative.  I will make it.  I also know this to shall pass and I will look back and remember all the milestones and stages and miss it.

Business Ventures

Right now my main job is being a mom which I love, but I also have a second love...shopping and finding deals.  I never knew I could do that to bring in extra money.  It all started with my friend Crystal.  She wanted to sell something so I helped her put it on eBay.  It sold very fast.  It got me thinking ...what do I have around the house that I don't use and could sell.  SO when we moved I put a few things up and they sold.  Then the girls came and I got busy.  When they grew out of their preemie clothes I decided to put them on eBay.  I also put my friend Abby's kids clothes up as well. One day I went to babies r us and they had 50% off clearance clothes.  They had a lot of preemie items an I remembered how fast the girls preemie stuff sold.  So I took a chance and bought 15 outfits for 75$.  I pt them up on eBay that night. They all sold with in 9 days.  It got me thinking that people love a deal as much as I do.  I also live 20 minutes from a ton of outlets that have great clearance stuff.  So I scouting the kids outlets because I love kids clothes and bought some inventory.  It has been a few weeks and I am LOVING having an eBay store!  I decided to specialize in girls clothes sizes 18 mos-6.  I have a few things in smaller sizes and a few boy items but I love girl clothes.  I also didn't want to do the girls sizes because I was scared I would just keep all the clothes. 
When Nate saw how well I was doing he wanted to create a website and really make this a business.  He also wants to make me a website for this blog.  So I might be moving soon and will update when it happens.  We already bought the domain names and both were available!  I so excited to help bring in some money but also be at home with my girls!  If you are interested in see what I have in my eBay store here is the website           http://stores.ebay.com/Snug-Bug-Boutique?_trksid=p4340.l2563. 
On the twincess front, we have an appointment with the growth and nutrition program next Friday.  We also had another first..beach day.  We went with my friend Abby and her 2 girls Samantha (age 4 almost 5) and Maddie(2 almost 3) They didn't swim for obvious reasons...it being April 18th but I went in!!  So here are a few pics...

WIll we ever figure little Livy out!

So up until Monday Liv had been eating like a champ!  We finally thought we had figured it out and turned a corner.  Well Monday all hell broke loose and she went form eating 22-24oz in a day to 15.  She had gone back to her old ways.  We had an appointment today at Children's and they decided to add another medicine to her regiment.  We will see if it works.  We also have been enrolled in a feeding and nutrition program at Children's. We go for a 3-4 hour appointment and we meet with another GI doctor, a feeding therapist, a nutritionist and an infant physiologist ( This one I am curious to meet).  Together we feed her and go over everything and hopefully come up with a plan and maybe figure out if it is just silent reflux with a slight aspiration.   The good news is she as been gaining but I am worried for how long.  She also hit a milestone and rolled over from back to front at her 4 month doctors appointment on Wednesday.  Aria has started to belly laugh and it is adorable!  Everyday they amaze me.  I am exhausted, frustrated, busy and at time not sure if I am good at all of this but one thing I know for sure, these 2 little girls are my world and I love them more and more every day!  Hopefully we will have a good week!

Exhausted!

What a week!  It all started on Monday.  Livy decided she was going to have a bad feeding day so we ended the day with both of us frustrated and tired.  She had only taken in about 14oz.  She should be eating at least 24oz like Aria.  Tuesday we went to see the Easter bunny and had a lunch date with some friends.  She didn't eat a lot but she didn't do her crying game either.  She spend much of the day with a bottle in her mouth but was using it as a pacifier.  We got home around 7pm and I put her in her bath which she ALWAYS LOVES!  She SCREAMED like someone was hurting her.  I just cried while I bathed her because I didn't know what to do.  I considered taking her to the ER if she continued to cry like that.  I took her out of the bath and made a bottle while she screamed.  I didn't even put a diaper on her I just wanted her to eat.  Nate finally came home and it took us hours to get 2 oz in her! She ate about 10oz total on Tuesday.  On Wednesday things worsened.  She screamed all day long and refused to eat.  I called the speech pathologist , our GI doctor and our pedi.  We were told to bring her to her pedi for a weight check.  We got there and found she had only gained a few oz in almost 6 weeks.  She was also very dehydrated.  We tried to syringe feed her with our pedi and she wouldn't take it she would just spit it out or chock on it.  We called her GI doctor right from our pedi's office and she was discharged with instructions to bring her to Children's hospital in Boston.  So we headed down to Boston.  We got there and they immediately brought us to a room and started to get fluids into her.  The ER was amazing!  Everyone was so helpful and nice.  Anything you wanted or needed they would get fast!  Best ER experience I have ever had.  They decided to admit her so we could figure out what was going on.  They brought us to our room and we settled in for the night.  The room was huge with a view of the city.  The next day a it felt like a million doctors came to see Liv.  We did xrays and a lot of observations.  They decided to keep us another night to see how she did with bottle feeding.  SHe has decided to only take in breastmilk and refuses formula.  They decided to have me meet with a lactation consultant since after taking out dairy and soy my supply depleted a lot.  I am now on medications to help.  SO when the lactation consultant met with me we discussed how I was still a little said I couldn't get them to actually breastfeed.  She looked me square in the eye and said well lets remedy that. She was determined to get Aria breastfeeding which would also help my supply increase.  It took and hour and a lot of crying but she did it.  She has been breastfeeding ever since! She did great when we got home yesterday and all last night!  So in a nut shell they feel Liv has severe silent reflux and she is on medication for it.   She also aspirates so we still have to thicken everything and add formula powder to the breastmilk to increase her calories.
We should know by next week if the medication is working and we have follow up appointments all next week.  Only time will tell if this is the whole diagnosis but I am thankful as of right now we don't have a feeding tube!  They did say that could still happen but we are all optimistic that we can do this without it.  Overall our experience at Children's was amazing.  OI don't have one complaint!  Everyone on staff was amazing and always went over and above.  They had someone on staff that came by just to bring stuff to make it feel like home.  They brought toys, bouncy seats and play mats.  They also had someone come and see how Nate and I were doing.  They have clowns that make ballons for kids, a theater playing The Lorax, they even have robots that you see in the halls bring the food trays to and from the patient floors and when you walk by it makes train noises!  The girls where a big hit and that always makes me proud.  I left the room to go wash bottles while Livy was sleeping and apparently she woke up while I was out.  When I came bake 3 nurses and a doctor were entertaining her.  Our friend Lisa lives a couple blocks from Children's and offered to let Nate and Aria stay at her place.  She was a lifesaver!  A free place to stay in Boston saved us a lot of money!  Over this week I have been so thankful for the love and support from everyone!  I know Livy felt it as well!  Times like these make me remember we are lucky and blessed with such great people in our lives.  So thank you everyone for everything, my family really appreciated every thought and prayer.

Here are a few photos

They had to put a diaper over Liv;s IV

So Cute

Aria was cranky so I put her in Liv's bed and she immediately stopped crying and held Liv's hand!

The scary Easter Bunny!