Thursday, April 26, 2012

When will the screaming end!

I guess I haven't been completely and fully honest here.  One of the main reasons is I didn't want to offend anyone or upset anyone.  I know if I read the post I am about to write over a year ago I would think at least you have your babies!  One of the main reasons for blogging is to keep a record of everything.  I at times spend a bit reading back and seeing how far we have come!  So if you are still struggling with infertility you may want to skip this post:)
Let me first make one thing very clear...I LOVE and adore my girls and I am very thankful for them, but this has been the hardest 4.5 months EVER!  Along with Liv's feeding issues we have dealt with colic and sleep issues.  I haven't slept more than a couple of hours for a long time.  Last night was a perfect example... Liv woke up at 3am and screamed until 4am.  Many people said my girls were not that bad and cried and acted like regular babies.  Now they are singing a different tune.  Aria is getting better but can still send me spinning when she is upset.  Most of the time she will be upset the whole day and nothing appeases her.  Liv is a whole other story.  That child is sooooo stubborn and I think she feels that screaming all the time is hobby.  I knew twins would be hard but this is nothing I expected!  Everyone would tell me stories of their kids sleeping through the night or at least a good chunk by 12 weeks and most even sooner.  Or stories of colic going away at 3 months.  NONE of that has happened!!!  Sometimes it has gotten worse!  I am also so tired I see things.  They only nap between 20 and 30 min at a time so napping during the day isn't an option.  I use to think I would be so sad when my babies got out of the baby stage and part of me will be said, but a bigger part will be so relieved.  I hate feeling like I can't enjoy them because they can't enjoy life.  There are moments when both girls are calm and exploring life and I hang on to those moments because they don't happen often.  I struggle to entertain both of them and meet all their needs in a timely manner which really sets them off.  I look forward to the weekend when Nate is home and I have some help!  I am actually going to see a postpartum nurse on Monday because on top off the no sleep and a ton of stress my anxiety is really becoming a bit of an issue.  I feel so ashamed and upset that I am not handling things as well as I think I should!  And if one more person says I asked for this I am going to lose it!!!  I did ask to be a mother and I worked hard to get here but that doesn't mean I asked for all of the issues we are dealing with and it also doesn't mean I can't vent like any other mom!  Being infertile and they becoming a mom is super hard because when you are having a hard time you feel like you can't vent because people will judge you.  I feel like I should love every second and be grateful for whatever situation I have.  I am very blessed and grateful for my girls but there are days I don't know if I will make it.  Then I think I got everything I wanted and feel horrible that I am crying because the girls are freaking out and I am tired.  Sorry this post is crazy and negative.  I will make it.  I also know this to shall pass and I will look back and remember all the milestones and stages and miss it.


  1. Oh Emily... that first year is so hard, and I only had one kid at a time to worry about. Every parent wants and loves their children, and it is completely ok to be tired and exhausted and frustrated - it happens to all of us. I know it's hard to remember, but try to ignore the stories about kids who sleep through the night or outgrow colic at 3 months. Your kids will grow up on their own schedule. They'll get there, and you'll get a full night's sleep again someday. I think the first 2 years with any kid is incredibly hard, and I can only imagine the first 2 years with twins must be enough to make any person just about crazy. You'll get there. Remember to ask for help - not just from Nate but from the rest of us. It's ok to ask for a day off. A well-rested Mom is a good thing ;-) Hang in there, things will get better in time, I promise.

  2. I don't have twins but have felt half of what you feel now. Mikayla had colic and there were times i felt like like i was losing my mind, john too. And i consider myself a patient person but nothing is worse than a constantly crying baby. I imagine your babies feed off each other, so its ten times worse. I'm not saying try this but it was night and day for mikayla. I switched from breast feeding to similac sensitive milk based lactose free formula and it really helped in her case. But regardless, just hang in there the best you can and it sounds like you really need help with them so you can sleep and better deal with their needs. I felt guilty too. The range of feelings you feel for them from extreme love to extreme frustration is so hard. It is normal for every mom, particularly with colic babies and the other issues you're having. Please get someone to take them a few hours so you can sleep, you cant let yourself get that tired. Maybe try keeping one at a time now and again to devote some time to that one. Hang in there. I know you love them and never regret having them. They are your sunshine! My second child is 9 months and still wakes up twice at night and my 2 year old who used to sleep now only wants to sleep in my bed! Every month something new. At the same time my cheeks hurt from smiling at them so much! Hang in there. You're not alone on how you feel, you're a normal mom - and you've got two at one time. My hat's off to you!

  3. Thanks! It has been a crazy ride and I was in a really bad place this morning. The girls must have sensed it and were great the rest of the day. It's so rare for both of them to be that good so it was very much appreciated! Nate might try to do Saturday night so I can sleep....I hope it works out because I am sure I will have a better outlook after a good night's sleep!