Sunday, July 3, 2011

Up in the Air!

I feel like my whole life is up in the air right now, at a time when I want stability the most!  I grew up very in a christian household and went to a christian school.  The christian school was really strict and a little cult like.  I am happy for the sacrifices my parents made to send us to a private christian school but that school did a number on me in regards to religion.  However looking back I have come to realize it kept me out of trouble in the early teen years so I am thankful for that.  The reason I bring this up is as soon as I was out of that school I strayed away from the beliefs of my church, not the school, and have had a hard time going to church.  Since starting IVF I have started to go back to my religious roots more and more.  No I am not quite ready to go to church but I have been praying a lot more and trying to retain myself not to worry so much and pray about situations and know that everything will work out the way it should.  Well the past couple of weeks have been a test and a half and at times I am failing!  At this point I have no idea where we will be when these babies are born!  I LOVE our house but we need to sell it so I can stay home.  I have to keep thinking that it doesn't matter where we live as long as I have my wonderful husband and healthy babies I won't care if we live in a place that is not as nice.  We have a few options and some happen to be out of state which also stresses me out.  On top of all that stress I had to go to the ER on monday because I was in a lot of pain and showed signs of very early preterm labor.  They said that my body is telling me to slow down and if I don't I will go into labor early!  So they have me only working 4 hours a day.  Yesterday I did my first 4 hour shift and I still left in pain!  I think it is the constant up and down that my job requires.  So I am not sure if they are going to take me out of work completely.    So another up in the air right now!  I just need to remember as long as I am taking care of these babies and making sure they stay in until at least 35 weeks then what ever happens will happen.  It doesn't keep me from worrying about everything!  I just wish I had a crystal ball to see December!  I just keep hanging on to the fact that every week I make it is a success and I am very thankful for these babies!  I am really hoping all of a sudden everything just works out and becomes clear so I can prepare for the twins! I feel like nesting towards the end is a right of passage and I want to be able to experience that!  Looking back at the pregnancy so far it is nothing like I expected!  Don't get me wrong I LOVE being pregnant and I am so thankful for this but I envisioned once I hit the second trimester I would feel great and have that pregnancy glow.  I guess I envisioned a text book perfect pregnancy!  After talking to other IVF patients turned OB patients I realize we are a different breed of pregnant patients!  We like to know everything that is going on.  We are so in tune with our bodies that when we feel things unexpected we call the doctor when sometimes we don't need to.  We are also use to having our hand held at a fertility clinic and being kept in the loop during our care that we kind of need that in an OB clinic.  The transition from infertility patient to pregnant patient is harder than I anticipated.  I am still plagued by fear that something might go wrong and we will be back to square one.    I promised myself once I hit the second trimester I would relax a little....boy was I wrong!  Infertility patients  have more at stake in a pregnancy and that causes anxiety especially when things go wrong.  A minor bump in the road can feel like a disaster because our bodies have failed us time after time that it is almost expected that it can happen during pregnancy.  Every week I just thank my body for not failing and pray it continues to do what it is suppose to do.  So all I can do is pray and take care of myself and these precious gifts as best I can and hope everything else becomes clear!


  1. "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." (Jesus, Matthew 11:28-30, The Message.)

    Love you,


  2. Thanks for the encouragement Uncle Ken
    I really appreciate it!