Game Over!

I have tried to write this update all night.  No words came.  Every time I tried to start writing a fresh set of tears came.  How did God get me sooo close and then have it come crashing down 11 DAYS before I started my cycle.  11!  I have had a countdown going when it was over 100 days and to get down to 11 and then oops sorry you can't do this!  So what happened....well the insurance coordinator for the clinic called and said they denied my claim because it was never coved by my insurance!  That made no sense to me since my nurse Jessica called the insurance company back in August and they said it was covered.  Then a few days later Nate called and they said it was covered.  Nate also called today and they said it was covered and my claim was still pending.  I called and they said no it wasn't covered and to check my handbook to see if it was an exclusion.  Nate went home and check the book and it did say ART (advanced reproductive technologies) were excluded.  I never thought to look at the book because we had double check the coverage with a real human.  I don't understand how we all can be told one thing and then opps sorry we just ripped you dream away.  Its not like they made a small mistake once they made a HUGE one a few times!!   Insurance doesn't care about customer service or even people. Its a bunch of bureaucrat  doctors that couldn't cut it as real doctors because they we incompetent.  So where does that leave me?? I have no idea.  I have become a little more desperate because the last 6 months I have envisioned myself pregnant and having a child.  I am looking into every monetary option I can so we can do the self pay option.  If we do the self pay I NEED to make sure I have the best chance possible.  That means I need to lose a minimum of 20lbs.  So I am hoping that we can figure out a way because I am not prepared to let this go.  I have come to close and worked to hard.  I am not prepared to accept adoption at this point.   Maybe later I will be ok with it again but not now.  I just can't understand in this moment how this could happen.  I am a good person, Nate is a great person.  We don't live off of the state,  we have a great place to have kids, we love each other and would love our children unconditionally.  We would do everything in our power to raise great kids. I just can't understand why ALOT of people that have kids don't deserve them.  How is this ok?  Why does this have to be so hard for me.  Something that is such a natural transition.  Every where I went today there were a ton of pregnant people some that deserve it like that great woman I worked with today and some that didn't (a woman who has a son around 4 that was walking around with a binky and a mountain dew complaining about her state assistance or the woman I worked with yesterday that had 5 kids that she doesn't have custody of and had no problem telling me that).  So that is where I am at right now...upset, sad, bitter and down right pissed!  I just hope a  months from now I can look back on today while very pregnant and say thank god it wasn't game over!